Sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same

Heyy

What is the point of self-confidence? What's the point of something that can make some people so full of themselves, that they don't bother caring about anyone other than themselves. They think they're better than everyone else. They think they're loved by everyone and that there is no way anyone could ever dislike them. What gives them the right to think they're above people? To think they're better than everyone else? Then, self-confidence makes other people feel crap about themselves. Makes them feel that everyone is better than them. That everyone is more worthy of what they have. That people don't like them and that they are always talking about them behind they're backs. They need constant reassurrance. How can one thing make people feel completely full of themselves to completely depressed. What's the point in it?

So I have had the most boring day ever. I have had the house to myself. It isn't that bad. Having peace and quiet. It's nice. But when you feel as down in the dumps as I have the past two days you don't want to be alone. You don't want peace and quiet. You want people around you. To cheer you up? Or to at least take your minds off things. So the only thing I have been able to do to get my mind off things is watch TV, go on facebook and write a blog. But then again, the blog doesn't really help me forget things, help me be happy. It doesn't satisfy any sense of felp in my life.

So I took the dog for a walk. That just pissed me off though. It would have been a hell of a lot better if he actually listened to me and didn't literally drag me to the shops. Would have been better if he had stayed calm throughout the day. If he hadn't barked continuosly this morning. It would have been better if he had been like he is now for the whole day.

There isn't really much I can think to write today. It being a Sunday and me feeling down means I haven't done anything constructive. So I think this is it for today.

Will blog later

xXx

Scatter me across the sky, I'll shine all night, and just like a star I'll fall for you

Heyy

How do you know what you feel? I mean, people think they love people. Or hate people. Or loathe, lust after and pity. How do you know what any of these actually feel like? How do you know the true extent of your feelings? Jealousy, confusion, happiness, sadness, anger. Things we feel on a daily basis. You know what they feel like. But hate and love. How do you know what that feels like if you've never felt it before? Love. How do you know it's not just some crush that you are just exagerrating? Hate. How can you tell the difference between hatred and disliking someone? How do you know what you are actually feeling. How do you know what to call it? How do you put a name to it? Is it normal to be so confused?

Today I saw my dad for the first time in years. It was good to see him. I saw my half brother for the first time ever. I think he's about 4 or 5. It was nice to finally meet him. Callum and my dad. Lol. So the boys are spending the weekend with him. Which meant I finally got peace and quiet :p

So I went to Shere with my mum to take pictures for photography. A little country village. It would have been a hell of a lot better if it wasn't as busy. I have never seen a country village so busy. But I guess Shere would be busy seeing as films are set there. So I decided I want a house somewhere like that. An old house. A big house. A big, old house in a quiet lil' village. Sounds great, right?

I got my nails done for the first time in ages. First time since prom I think. So, I think I got them slightly longer than I did before because they seem slightly more difficult to type, text and generally do stuff with. It is rather annoying. Lol. Whilst I sat in the nail parlour thing I decided that it was just as boring as getting your hair cut. And you have to admit, it is kinda boring.

So I bumped into Jae and Elliot soon after that and we decided to dye Jae's hair ginger to raise money for Haiti. So, it wouldn't be as funny except Jae daily takes the piss out of gingers. He still calls me ginger and I haven't been for 3 years. Stupid hair dye made it happen. Lol. So, As soon as we get 50 people on this group he HAS to do it and can't back out. Just gotta hope we get to 50 very soon. Lol.

I am sat here watching some sappy chick flick. I hate that they always end up in love, and with a happily ever after. Something that never happens in real life. These films can really get you down. You have the girls who get everything they want by the end, no matter how much they screw up. Nothing like that EVER happens in real life. Aren't these films meant to make you feel happy? Instead they give you false hopes, high expectations and let downs when you realise life will never be like that.

I am home alone for the night. Kinda boring. Boys are out. Mothers out. I'm in. Why do I feel like the odd one out here? No wait, I have the dog. How fun!!

That's it for now

Will blog later

xXx

I know it will all turn out

Sup homies :p

So, it annoys when you have no idea what someone is thinking when you really want to. Especially when their actions confuse the hell out of me. Don't you just wish people would tell you exactly what was on their minds, or that you could read their minds. It's even worse when you WANT them to tell you something but you have no idea if they are actually going to do it and you don't wanna bring it up yourself. Scared, nervous or you just don't know how to bring it up. They all seem to stop you from being able to talk to them about it. Don't you just wish you had the confidence to ask them what's on their minds, or what the hell is going on. Especially when you think they won't actually tell you.

So, I was rather happy again today :s It is starting to get weird, especially seeing as I'm still end up happy when people annoy me. Whether it's on purpose or not. I seem to be becoming more confident about myself around the guys now. Weird how lond it's taken. Shame I can't be completely confident around certain people.

It's hard trying to give your best friend advice when you just seem to put them in difficult situations so they can't do what you've been trying to help them figure out what they are going to do. So I want to publicly appologise for that. I really am sorry Sam.

I decided it's weird that since the beginning of the year you can suddenly become best friends with someone again. Even after things have happened in the past that could have made things awkward with them. It's weird how you can just push the past aside and still manage to be good friends with them. I guess that's happened with a lot of people lately.

Lessons were quite fun actually. Especially sociology. I never thought taking part in a drama type piece would be so funny. Was even better when we had someone going through a bin for it.

So I am currently sitting next to Sam who keeps pointing out that I spelt weird wrong. I'd been spelling it like wierd until I went back and changed them. Sam actually corrected me. SHOCKER!!! lmao. I love you really. Lots and lots like vodka shots. Actually, I prefer them :p

So I am going to have to go now. Going shopping then to watch a performance at the school.

Will blog later

xXx

I'm not a princess, this ain't a fairytale

Yo

So. It's wierd how people expect you to stick by them through thick and thin yet when it comes to you needed their help they get away as fast as they can. It's at that time, when you really need someone, that you find out who your real friends are. Then there's the fact that people expect you to be fine with them when they've ignored you for weeks. It's wierd how quickly it actually takes for your "friends" to seem to forget about you. Never talk to you. Never hang with you. They expect you to make all the effort and think that it's alright for them to just sit back and do nothing. It's even wierder when you start to make that effort but you realise how little you then know about them. How much has gone on in both of your lives in that short period of time, and how much you actually have to catch up on.

I had a good day today, which doesn't seem to be so shocking recently. After four good days I'm starting to feel happy that maybe, just maybe, it will be like this for a while. And two of those four days were full days at college. And I have to admit, I can't really complain at the moment. Nothing has annoyed me enough to pull me down.

How come when guys play fight no one really cares but when two girls play fight and slap each other and shiz suddenly every one is amused by it. I mean come one. So I found that out today after me and Sam decided to have a lil' fight. It seemed to entertain the guys more than it did us. I seriously don't wanna think what was going through their minds :p So, the fight soon stopped after I got hit with a shoe and I made Sam slightly deaf for a while. I seriously didn't mean to slap her that hard.

English was absolutely hilarious. I don't think I have ever laughed so much in that lesson before. Thinking back I don't actually see what was really funny about it. For work we had to read some extracts from childrens books. Aloud. So as the names of the different animals were said from one extract suddenly everyone was in stitches. I'm not sure if I actually found the text THAT funny or if it was the fact that everyone else was in absolute stitches because of these parts of stories. It could have even been some of the peoples laughs. I really have to admit, they are absolutely hilarious.

So the washing machines now broken :( I hate stuff being washed at the laundrette. They never seem to smell right. So I think we now have to wait for two weeks before we can do our own washing again.TWO EFFING WEEKS!!! The stupid repairman guy brought the wrong sized part to try and fix the washing machine. AGAIN!!! This has happened before, exactly the same problem and the repairman brought the wrong size, then he couldn't get the washing machine out and now obviously he didn't even fix it properly. He's so great at his job.

I'm just about to continue watching Russel Howard. He is an absolute legend. Him, Michael Macintyre and Jimmy Carr. There is no doubt that they are my top three comedians. So I'm off to watch a bit of Russel XD

Will blog later

xXx

Those who find themselves ridiculous, sit down next to me

Hey there.

It's hard learning something about someone. Especially when that thing is something you really don't want to know. And even more so when they obviously don't want you to know. What do you do about it? Do you confront them about it or do you push it to the back of your mind and forget about it? I've learnt to just let it go, don't bring it up, maybe talk to someONE to see if they can help you. But what if it's something you don't want to tell anyone but can't keep it to yourself? What if it's something you want to speak to that person about it but you know it will make life ten times worse? Or that it will just make them hate you even more than they already seem to?

So, today's been pretty boring. Been happy yet again, but not for the whole day. You know when you get in one of those moods where you just want to cry but you have no idea why and there was nothing that put you in that mood. It's as if you just went from being really happy to suddenly depressed. Yeah, well that lasted about 15 minutes, after which I was happy again. Wierd right?

So, a full day at college = BORING!!! Not much to report on really. Media was normal. English was alright. Always manage to have a laugh in t one way or another. Whether it's from people quoting The Hangover or it's just random conversations we seem to have. Sociology was quite fun. Finding out I have to act wasn't fun. I CAN'T ACT!!! But writing the script was pretty funny. 

After college seemed to go really quickly, surprisingly quickly actually. Too quickly for my liking. Expecially when there is heating at school but when I get home there's none. Well, I didn't realise there was no heating or hot water until I tried to run myself a bath. Waste of a bath bomb right there. So I ended up sitting in my room wrapped up in my duvet until we got the heating back on.

So today's been pretty boring so you get stuck with a pretty boring blog I'm afraid.

Will blog later

xXx

You're like a song, that goes around in my head

Day two of blogging.

Compliments. It's not that I don't like being complimented, it's that I don't know how to react to it. I'm not exactly used to it. I mean, I don't know what I'm meant to say. Do I just say thanks and leave it at that or do I compliment the complimenter back? Is complimenter even a word? But back to the point, it's like no matter how flattered or sweet the compliment is I still never know how to react to it.

Well today has been kinda dull. I'm still happy. Must just be a new me or something. I have no idea what's happening to me. I mean my brothers have suddenly became suddenly less annoying :p

So I had photography today. Was stuck printing pictures. The darkroom work always bores me stupid. It's the standing around for however long we have to stand around for, whilst waiting for the photograph to print. Developing the film bores me senseless too. Sitting there for like 15 minutes shaking a fricking pot. How fun :p
However, I LOVE taking pictures. Whether it be buildings, animals, landscape or people. It just fascinates me. I do actually want to pursue this love of photographing and I want to be a photographer. A fashion one at that. Not that I'll ever manage to break into that industry of it. Aim high, get let down. Right? Aren't I just the optimist??


So media was media. Nothing fun or interesting to report on in that area, apart from that the teacher hates me. I mean am I that unorganised compared to everyone else in the class. No I'm not. I mean, there are people who are just as bad as me. It is rather irritating when she always looks or points slightly towards me when talking about people being unorganised. I mean do you really need to make it clear you hate ME being unorganised but when it comes to everyone else you're fine? I GET IT!!!

So Sam and I decided to go to the gym for the first time since we got our membership thingy's. I must say that surprisingly, I am not in pain. I really thought that I would be in agony after not excerising properly in God knows how long. Since PE last year :o

 So at the moment, no matter how happy I am I still notice all the drama. What is it with being a teenager that makes things have to be so dramatic. It's like nothing can be simple or easy, just once. There is always something going on. Arguments between people, tension or awkwardness between others. And there always seem to be rumours going round about people. It's everywhere. Can't get away from it. Drama, drama, drama!!!

Right so that's all I can think of for now. I have to go email a photographer now so toodleoo.

Will blog soon

xXx

She walks like she don’t care, walkin’ on imported air

Ahhh, where to start??

Well, I've never really been too good with talking about how I feel and I've never really been good at letting people in properly. I think there's only one or two people I have actually let in. In fact I hate it, talking about my feelings and shiz, even to people I trust with my life I guess it's because I don't like thinking that they could judge me and that I wouldn't seem strong and independant. I hate feeling week and vulnerable or thinking that that's how people see me. So I decided start a blog, be vulnerable for everyone to see. Why not? How clever of me. :p

Life is great at the moment. Infact in some ways it couldn't get much better.

Things are going good with college, surprisingly, I mean I actually did work in my frees today :o It was rather shocking. Not something I usually.

My bestest friend is AMAZING. We're talking and not arguing for once. lmao. That is also shocking.

Since started college/6th form i have met some amazing people. Some great friends. People that I am glad that they are now in my life

Bad points of my life.

My family. No matter how much I love them they will always annoy me in one way or another. I can never be fully happy about them.

There's all this dramma going on with one of my brothers. Really wish he would grow out of this grumpy, idiotic, thinks he better than the rest stage of his life.

Then there's the fact that they complain about our dad for years and then suddenly they want to get to know him again. Now all of a sudden they are going to spend time with over the weekend. Without me. I didn't even realise something was getting planned. How nice of them.

So today was just another boring day, except for the fact that I was happy/hyper like ALL day. I'm not quite sure why but I have a teensy weensy feeling that it may have been the two can of monster energy drinks I had during the day :p

To be honest I was happy when I woke up so that can't be it. Hmm

Well, apart from being happy I have been pretty much doing work all day. Classes, c/wk, h/wk. Can't get away from it. Argghh.

So that's pretty much my life at the moment. BORRINNGGG

Will blog again soon. If I ever remember :p

xXx