Uncry these tears, I've cried so many nights.

Heyy

It hurts when you feel out of place and ignored. When you feel like you don't belong. When your supposed friends, best friends, partners, family, are just there becasue they have to be. Do you ever feel like they're only there because they get something out of being friends with you? Or just because they have to be, because of you 'links'. They talk to you when you're with them but they more or less ignore on facebook or msn. Nothing anyone seems to say to cheer you up never seems to work, you think they lie to you and they avoid telling you things. Have you ever felt lonely. Even if you're in a huge crowd of people? It's hard feeling like that. And when no one notices that you're upset until someone you've known for years asks you really loudly. It hurts even more when no one notices and ignores you. Feeling lonely. Feeling like you don't belong. Feeling out of place. Feeling ignored. It's hard to hide so much. There is only so much one person can take, and when no one notices what's been going on for weeks how are they even going to change. 

So I'm fed up now. College is pointless. Well, it's obviously not, but I just can't be bothered with it any more. I do try my best but I never seem to get any further with anything. I try to stay on top of everything but it never works. I try. But what's the point anymore.

So, I'm hating home at the moment. I always feel like I come last to everyone. It's like I do my chores everyday and Michael doesn't do his. Then the next day he has to do his previous chore but I have to his chores for the day. How is that fair?? I've kinda got used to feeling unwanted by everyone. I guess it will all change by this time next year. Especially knowing I will be off to uni, moving away from home. Suddenly I'll get a load of attention and expected to spend time with the family.

I just feel like absolute shit recently. And it's bad, especially that I'm keeping everything to myself. I should probably speak to someone about my problems. I find it hard to tell people my problems and recently the smallest things get to me and I end up breaking down for no reason. I feel stupid and pathetic about doing it but I can't stop. In the last 3 days it's happened 4 times. And I know it will happen more. I just feel like something bad is going to happen to me and I don't want anything to happen. I just want to be happy.

So that's it for today.

Will blog later

xXx

If you ever feel like letting go, I wont let you fall, when all hope is gone, I know that you can carry on

Heyy 

Have you ever been scared to tell someone how you feel? Whether it's your parents, your best friend, your boyfriend/girlfriend. Have you ever thought that if you tell them something you won't hear what you want to hear? That it will change everything, and not for the good. You keep all these thoughts to yourself that one day you tell someone. But then you feel bad because it had nothing to do with them and you didn't tell the person you wanted to tell. Whether you're scared of showing weakness, or you're scared to be judged, or you're just scared of rejection. It's all the same. You're keeping something to yourself and you try to force yourself to say it but you ALWAYS end up chickening out. Then the thought's run through your head. They make you confused, and they make you want to say whatever it is even more. Thinking about it makes it worse. And leaving it longer causes you to think about it. But everyone has their reasons for not saying it. We all keep something from someone. Whether it's that you've cheated, that you love someone, that you don't want to belong. It could be anything. Even the smallest thing can cause you to think so much and cause you to get so confused and make a mountain out of a molehill. Believe me, I've done it enough. And it causes trouble. You can let something slip to someone, or you try to hide it and people accuse you of other things. Things that aren't true. Or you find things out from other people that you wish you didn't know. Or you wished the person they were about would have told you. The person you want to trust, to love. Maybe, if they told you first instead of finding it out second hand it would be easier to cope with. So maybe, just think about how you would feel if you got told something you wish someone had told you. That you were the last to know. Does that make it easier to tell that one person you want to tell something to? No, not really. It just seems to make you feel bad about not telling them when other people know.

So I went to a party about a month ago. It was my boyfriends ex's. I knew that they had slept together a fair few times before i started going out with him and I accepted that. But when you're drunk, at a party, with your patners ex, there is a large chance you will find out things you don't want to find out about. I found out tonnes. The hardest part was knowing that Ben didn't and wouldn't tell me any of the stuff I got told. It was hard to heard it but I put on a front. I find it easy to do that. So, over a month later and Joni brings the party up again. Infront of Ben. Saying that me and Sian were talking about him and that he remembers one of us saying something about stairs. Stupidly, I replied with "Yeah, she told me a lot that night". Why the hell would I do that. Let's just say, I'm pretty sure Ben knows what I know about now. And to be fair I guess I should have told him. 

So I go thorugh my phases. Most of the time I am extremeley happy with my relationship then I will go through one or two days where I think it's a one way relationship and he doesn't care about me as much as I do about him. It's hard thinking that because I don't think very highly of myself as it is and thinking that Ben doesn't care about me makes me feel like utter crap. I know it's just me being stupid. But I've been told on numerous occations that I can't help how I feel. I know that but I can still feel that I'm being pathetic can't I? So I never talk to him about any of this, because I know I will stop thinking it in a couple of days. Is that the wrong thing to do? And when I don't feel like that I can't stop thinking about him and I want to be with him all the time. I love spending time with him. I love hearing his voice. It just makes me smile. It seems as though I've become less independant and more reliant on people. I blame Ben :/

:p

So, it's weird. I start talking to my best friend and I have an argument with Ally. I swear all my life consists of is drama. Whether it's me having an argument with someone, or trying to help people stop arguing. I should probably give up on that though seeing as no one seems to really want my help. I can everything thrown back into my face and I'm fed up. I've told Ally more or less what she has done wrong yet now she has resorted to blaming other people. She does everything to make herself feel better. To make it so she isn't in the wrong. I have never known anyone to be such a manipulative liar. I feel sorry for all those people who think she is actually their friend. She treats them like shit, whether it's to their faces or behind their backs, no matter which way she always denies it. Even if other people are there to witness it. It really does make me laugh.

So I've been having a tough time at home recently. I feel like I'm not wanted here. Recently, I've been told a lot that it is my fault that the arguments are going on in the house. I get told that then mother wonders why I don't go downstairs to spend 'family' time together. Or she wonders why I stay at college for so long. It's to stay away from everyone. I'm fed up of being made feel like shit all the time. In the last three days I have thought about hurting myself. I have no idea why because I know I wouldn't. I wasn't really thinking about doing it. I was thinking about people reactions if I did do it. Like my mums, my brothers, Bens, Sams, Allys, everyone elses. Would they care?? Would they feel bad for not realising how bad I felt?? Would they feel bad for not doing anything?? Would they feel as though they are to blame?? I also thought about movnig out. But I have no where to go. I wouldn't go to my boyfriends, or any friends for that matter. I hate feeling as though I'm intruding so that wouldn't happen. Just getting out of my house will be good. I can't wait till the weekend. I will have the house to myself for most of it and I'm guessing I won't be staying in much. It's weird how much I go out compared to last year. Last year I would go out with Sam, seeing as she was in an argument with Sarah for about half a year. Being her best friend = ruined social life :p But now I go out too much :L

So I'm now revising for all my subjects. Mainly Sociology and English. Sociology because I want a good grade and I want to beat her B. And English, I don't want an E. I want at least a D so I have to try hard for that one. Media I'm not quite sure how to revise and Photography my exam is in two days and I've got as much ready as I can.

Anyways, that's all for now

Blog later

xXx

You're never gonna get it with nothing, and nothing's what you've got in your head

Heyy, it's been a while.

Have you ever just took a step back and looked at everything? At everyone. You never really notice anything until you do. You don't really notice the way people have changed. The was people act towards different people. It makes me laugh that you can be so involved in everything one minute, then the next you feel like you are on the outside looking in. But it's being on the outside and looking in that you really see how different people act. How different people have changed since you first met them. Some people change so gradually that you don't actually notice until you want to notice. Then there are the people who change so quickly just to get something they want. We all have a friend who does it. Changed to get what they want. Whether it be guys, money, attention. They still change. They become a person you don't like as much as the old them. They become...different. It's like you don't know them anymore. Have you ever just sat back and watched as they change. Those people that change so quickly. You can see it happen infront of your eyes but you know there is nothing you can do about.  Then you wait. Why do you wait? You know you are going to get annoyed by them and when you finally tell them you don't like who they've become it's too late. There is no going back. All you can do is sit back and watched as they ruin everything they have. Friendships. Relationships. Education.

So I'm going back to college today. Yes today, in like 5/6 hours so I have a feeling I should probably get some sleep. I'm in one of them moods when I want to sleep but I can't. That's probably because I've been going to bad late for the past two weeks but I should still be able to sleep.

So me and my best friend have just recently started talking again after having a huge argument. I may have called her a few names that I didn't mean. I called her stuck up because at the time she wasn't half tooting her own horn. But then I was trying to think of ways to piss her off and upset her. I decided since she is always going on about how she hates her mum that I was going to say she was exactly like her. It probably wasn't a very good idea seeing as her mum didn't like me that mush before. All I know is, I won't be getting in her car anytime soon.

So, I've been extremely happy at the moment. I have amazing friends who are there for me when I need them, That be you Dan and Stuie :p I have an amazing boyfriend who makes me sooo happy. I have an awesome family who at the moment I have been getting along with suprisingly well. So what can go wrong. I've done a load of photography for my exam and I am quite confident about finishing on time and everything. I'm confident with my sociology.

So I have a bit of a dilema when it comes to Media and English. Jenks has already said I can drop English as soon as I've taken the exam. But now I don't really want to take edia as an A2. I was thinking about maybe dropping them both and picking up Phychology as both AS and A2, like some year 13's have been doing with Sociology. I might have to go and talk to Jenks about that.

So I can't think of anything else that has happened and is worth writing about so I be off to bed now. I am getting a lil' sleepy.

Will blog later

xXx

I'm not leaving, I'm just killing time

Heyy

Death. You never really think much of it until someone you know dies. You don't think of it as being such a big deal. Of it being stupid and pointless. You know everyone has to die, and it's fine with you. You know it has to happen, that you can't stop it. But when it actually happens to someone close to you or someone you know. Until they leave you. It's at that point you start questioning it. Asking why it had to happen to that person. If there was anything you could have done to stop it. Why is that? Why is it that you know that there are people all over the world but you think nothing of it. Of them. But as soon as it happens to someone you know you're way of thinking about death changes completely. It's that that you actually understand how "people" feel in films. How other people actually feel when it happens to them.

So I watched My Sister's Keeper again tonight. I was less confused by the time jumps the second time watching it. Too be fair though I was more awake. I think I might blame the lack of sleep to the fact that I kept getting confused. Lol.

So I had quite a good day at college. Didn't have to go to photography which is always good. Ended up only having lessons periods 1 & 2. Was quite a pointless day at college actually. I totally could have went home at break. Oh well, twas fun anyhow.

I went shopping with my mum. Was quite fun. I managed to get a dress and purse out of it. Yayy XD So now I just need to buy some new shoes and Sams birthday prezzie. It was her birthday a month ago. Lol. How nice am I?

So I have had a rather boring day so I can't think of anything else to write.

Will blog later.

xXx

It's become a habit, a way to start the day

Heyy

How is it that you can forget someone for so long that you don't even remember their voice, their smell and start to forget what they look like? How can you forget someone so close to you just to avoid the pain you get when you think about them? How can stumbling apon something to do with them bring back all that pain, bring back how much you miss them. How much you want to see them at that point in time and hug them. To remember them. Pictures don't help remember people. Memories do. But memories fade. When people are gone for so long you start to forget them. It becomes normal that you don't see them. You try and remember the good times with them, not the bad, but in turn you slowly start to forget the good times too. It's wierd how it ends up being part of your daily routine, not thinking about them, not remembering them, not honouring their memory. Not keeping it alive through you. Pictures don't help remember people. They just help you remember what they look like. Not who they are, or what you loved about them in the first place. They don't always help you remember the memories. It's wierd how you can bottle something up for so long that you soon start to forget about it. About the pain. About the person. It's only when you stumble across something that you realise what you have done. That you've forgotten about them. It's only when you stumble across something that you realise how ashamed of yourself you are for forgetting them. For managing to forget someone who affected your life for the better. Who was always there. It's weird how you can forget people you thought you'd never be able to live without.

So I watched yesterdays Dancing On Ice. Is it mean like I want people to screw up? It amuses me. Lol. So, there was some Irish guy that I remember. He's from Boyzone I think. Not too sure though. He's not too bad. He got a pretty good score too. I would love to be able to do something like that. You know, go onto a show like Dancing On Ice and actually learn how to do something. It would mean I would finally become good at something. It would be a great sense of achievement.

I found some documents today. They were about my granddad. His funeral programme, obituries from a few local papers. Letters he'd written to my mum. A letter she wrote to him. Pictures my brothers and I drew for him. It's weird seeing all of that again. It's weird thinking of him again. Even though we have pictures of him around the house, I don't really pay attention to them. I don't think of memories or him. It's only when I find things in writing about him that I remember him. It's then that I start to feel sad, and I wish I had let it all out 4 years ago. Instead of bottling it up and breaking at the smallest thing.

So I am now trying to write my CV. It's quite hard though. Especially when I have no idea what to actually put in or take out of it. I wish that I had an on button in my head that would just make it work coz it sure as hell ain't working now. I need to finish the CV if I want a job. And I want a job so it means inishing the CV. Not much fun there aye. So that's all for today y'all.

Will blog later

xXx

Sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same

Heyy

What is the point of self-confidence? What's the point of something that can make some people so full of themselves, that they don't bother caring about anyone other than themselves. They think they're better than everyone else. They think they're loved by everyone and that there is no way anyone could ever dislike them. What gives them the right to think they're above people? To think they're better than everyone else? Then, self-confidence makes other people feel crap about themselves. Makes them feel that everyone is better than them. That everyone is more worthy of what they have. That people don't like them and that they are always talking about them behind they're backs. They need constant reassurrance. How can one thing make people feel completely full of themselves to completely depressed. What's the point in it?

So I have had the most boring day ever. I have had the house to myself. It isn't that bad. Having peace and quiet. It's nice. But when you feel as down in the dumps as I have the past two days you don't want to be alone. You don't want peace and quiet. You want people around you. To cheer you up? Or to at least take your minds off things. So the only thing I have been able to do to get my mind off things is watch TV, go on facebook and write a blog. But then again, the blog doesn't really help me forget things, help me be happy. It doesn't satisfy any sense of felp in my life.

So I took the dog for a walk. That just pissed me off though. It would have been a hell of a lot better if he actually listened to me and didn't literally drag me to the shops. Would have been better if he had stayed calm throughout the day. If he hadn't barked continuosly this morning. It would have been better if he had been like he is now for the whole day.

There isn't really much I can think to write today. It being a Sunday and me feeling down means I haven't done anything constructive. So I think this is it for today.

Will blog later

xXx

Scatter me across the sky, I'll shine all night, and just like a star I'll fall for you

Heyy

How do you know what you feel? I mean, people think they love people. Or hate people. Or loathe, lust after and pity. How do you know what any of these actually feel like? How do you know the true extent of your feelings? Jealousy, confusion, happiness, sadness, anger. Things we feel on a daily basis. You know what they feel like. But hate and love. How do you know what that feels like if you've never felt it before? Love. How do you know it's not just some crush that you are just exagerrating? Hate. How can you tell the difference between hatred and disliking someone? How do you know what you are actually feeling. How do you know what to call it? How do you put a name to it? Is it normal to be so confused?

Today I saw my dad for the first time in years. It was good to see him. I saw my half brother for the first time ever. I think he's about 4 or 5. It was nice to finally meet him. Callum and my dad. Lol. So the boys are spending the weekend with him. Which meant I finally got peace and quiet :p

So I went to Shere with my mum to take pictures for photography. A little country village. It would have been a hell of a lot better if it wasn't as busy. I have never seen a country village so busy. But I guess Shere would be busy seeing as films are set there. So I decided I want a house somewhere like that. An old house. A big house. A big, old house in a quiet lil' village. Sounds great, right?

I got my nails done for the first time in ages. First time since prom I think. So, I think I got them slightly longer than I did before because they seem slightly more difficult to type, text and generally do stuff with. It is rather annoying. Lol. Whilst I sat in the nail parlour thing I decided that it was just as boring as getting your hair cut. And you have to admit, it is kinda boring.

So I bumped into Jae and Elliot soon after that and we decided to dye Jae's hair ginger to raise money for Haiti. So, it wouldn't be as funny except Jae daily takes the piss out of gingers. He still calls me ginger and I haven't been for 3 years. Stupid hair dye made it happen. Lol. So, As soon as we get 50 people on this group he HAS to do it and can't back out. Just gotta hope we get to 50 very soon. Lol.

I am sat here watching some sappy chick flick. I hate that they always end up in love, and with a happily ever after. Something that never happens in real life. These films can really get you down. You have the girls who get everything they want by the end, no matter how much they screw up. Nothing like that EVER happens in real life. Aren't these films meant to make you feel happy? Instead they give you false hopes, high expectations and let downs when you realise life will never be like that.

I am home alone for the night. Kinda boring. Boys are out. Mothers out. I'm in. Why do I feel like the odd one out here? No wait, I have the dog. How fun!!

That's it for now

Will blog later

xXx