If you ever feel like letting go, I wont let you fall, when all hope is gone, I know that you can carry on

Heyy 

Have you ever been scared to tell someone how you feel? Whether it's your parents, your best friend, your boyfriend/girlfriend. Have you ever thought that if you tell them something you won't hear what you want to hear? That it will change everything, and not for the good. You keep all these thoughts to yourself that one day you tell someone. But then you feel bad because it had nothing to do with them and you didn't tell the person you wanted to tell. Whether you're scared of showing weakness, or you're scared to be judged, or you're just scared of rejection. It's all the same. You're keeping something to yourself and you try to force yourself to say it but you ALWAYS end up chickening out. Then the thought's run through your head. They make you confused, and they make you want to say whatever it is even more. Thinking about it makes it worse. And leaving it longer causes you to think about it. But everyone has their reasons for not saying it. We all keep something from someone. Whether it's that you've cheated, that you love someone, that you don't want to belong. It could be anything. Even the smallest thing can cause you to think so much and cause you to get so confused and make a mountain out of a molehill. Believe me, I've done it enough. And it causes trouble. You can let something slip to someone, or you try to hide it and people accuse you of other things. Things that aren't true. Or you find things out from other people that you wish you didn't know. Or you wished the person they were about would have told you. The person you want to trust, to love. Maybe, if they told you first instead of finding it out second hand it would be easier to cope with. So maybe, just think about how you would feel if you got told something you wish someone had told you. That you were the last to know. Does that make it easier to tell that one person you want to tell something to? No, not really. It just seems to make you feel bad about not telling them when other people know.

So I went to a party about a month ago. It was my boyfriends ex's. I knew that they had slept together a fair few times before i started going out with him and I accepted that. But when you're drunk, at a party, with your patners ex, there is a large chance you will find out things you don't want to find out about. I found out tonnes. The hardest part was knowing that Ben didn't and wouldn't tell me any of the stuff I got told. It was hard to heard it but I put on a front. I find it easy to do that. So, over a month later and Joni brings the party up again. Infront of Ben. Saying that me and Sian were talking about him and that he remembers one of us saying something about stairs. Stupidly, I replied with "Yeah, she told me a lot that night". Why the hell would I do that. Let's just say, I'm pretty sure Ben knows what I know about now. And to be fair I guess I should have told him. 

So I go thorugh my phases. Most of the time I am extremeley happy with my relationship then I will go through one or two days where I think it's a one way relationship and he doesn't care about me as much as I do about him. It's hard thinking that because I don't think very highly of myself as it is and thinking that Ben doesn't care about me makes me feel like utter crap. I know it's just me being stupid. But I've been told on numerous occations that I can't help how I feel. I know that but I can still feel that I'm being pathetic can't I? So I never talk to him about any of this, because I know I will stop thinking it in a couple of days. Is that the wrong thing to do? And when I don't feel like that I can't stop thinking about him and I want to be with him all the time. I love spending time with him. I love hearing his voice. It just makes me smile. It seems as though I've become less independant and more reliant on people. I blame Ben :/

:p

So, it's weird. I start talking to my best friend and I have an argument with Ally. I swear all my life consists of is drama. Whether it's me having an argument with someone, or trying to help people stop arguing. I should probably give up on that though seeing as no one seems to really want my help. I can everything thrown back into my face and I'm fed up. I've told Ally more or less what she has done wrong yet now she has resorted to blaming other people. She does everything to make herself feel better. To make it so she isn't in the wrong. I have never known anyone to be such a manipulative liar. I feel sorry for all those people who think she is actually their friend. She treats them like shit, whether it's to their faces or behind their backs, no matter which way she always denies it. Even if other people are there to witness it. It really does make me laugh.

So I've been having a tough time at home recently. I feel like I'm not wanted here. Recently, I've been told a lot that it is my fault that the arguments are going on in the house. I get told that then mother wonders why I don't go downstairs to spend 'family' time together. Or she wonders why I stay at college for so long. It's to stay away from everyone. I'm fed up of being made feel like shit all the time. In the last three days I have thought about hurting myself. I have no idea why because I know I wouldn't. I wasn't really thinking about doing it. I was thinking about people reactions if I did do it. Like my mums, my brothers, Bens, Sams, Allys, everyone elses. Would they care?? Would they feel bad for not realising how bad I felt?? Would they feel bad for not doing anything?? Would they feel as though they are to blame?? I also thought about movnig out. But I have no where to go. I wouldn't go to my boyfriends, or any friends for that matter. I hate feeling as though I'm intruding so that wouldn't happen. Just getting out of my house will be good. I can't wait till the weekend. I will have the house to myself for most of it and I'm guessing I won't be staying in much. It's weird how much I go out compared to last year. Last year I would go out with Sam, seeing as she was in an argument with Sarah for about half a year. Being her best friend = ruined social life :p But now I go out too much :L

So I'm now revising for all my subjects. Mainly Sociology and English. Sociology because I want a good grade and I want to beat her B. And English, I don't want an E. I want at least a D so I have to try hard for that one. Media I'm not quite sure how to revise and Photography my exam is in two days and I've got as much ready as I can.

Anyways, that's all for now

Blog later

xXx

You're never gonna get it with nothing, and nothing's what you've got in your head

Heyy, it's been a while.

Have you ever just took a step back and looked at everything? At everyone. You never really notice anything until you do. You don't really notice the way people have changed. The was people act towards different people. It makes me laugh that you can be so involved in everything one minute, then the next you feel like you are on the outside looking in. But it's being on the outside and looking in that you really see how different people act. How different people have changed since you first met them. Some people change so gradually that you don't actually notice until you want to notice. Then there are the people who change so quickly just to get something they want. We all have a friend who does it. Changed to get what they want. Whether it be guys, money, attention. They still change. They become a person you don't like as much as the old them. They become...different. It's like you don't know them anymore. Have you ever just sat back and watched as they change. Those people that change so quickly. You can see it happen infront of your eyes but you know there is nothing you can do about.  Then you wait. Why do you wait? You know you are going to get annoyed by them and when you finally tell them you don't like who they've become it's too late. There is no going back. All you can do is sit back and watched as they ruin everything they have. Friendships. Relationships. Education.

So I'm going back to college today. Yes today, in like 5/6 hours so I have a feeling I should probably get some sleep. I'm in one of them moods when I want to sleep but I can't. That's probably because I've been going to bad late for the past two weeks but I should still be able to sleep.

So me and my best friend have just recently started talking again after having a huge argument. I may have called her a few names that I didn't mean. I called her stuck up because at the time she wasn't half tooting her own horn. But then I was trying to think of ways to piss her off and upset her. I decided since she is always going on about how she hates her mum that I was going to say she was exactly like her. It probably wasn't a very good idea seeing as her mum didn't like me that mush before. All I know is, I won't be getting in her car anytime soon.

So, I've been extremely happy at the moment. I have amazing friends who are there for me when I need them, That be you Dan and Stuie :p I have an amazing boyfriend who makes me sooo happy. I have an awesome family who at the moment I have been getting along with suprisingly well. So what can go wrong. I've done a load of photography for my exam and I am quite confident about finishing on time and everything. I'm confident with my sociology.

So I have a bit of a dilema when it comes to Media and English. Jenks has already said I can drop English as soon as I've taken the exam. But now I don't really want to take edia as an A2. I was thinking about maybe dropping them both and picking up Phychology as both AS and A2, like some year 13's have been doing with Sociology. I might have to go and talk to Jenks about that.

So I can't think of anything else that has happened and is worth writing about so I be off to bed now. I am getting a lil' sleepy.

Will blog later

xXx