I'm not leaving, I'm just killing time

Heyy

Death. You never really think much of it until someone you know dies. You don't think of it as being such a big deal. Of it being stupid and pointless. You know everyone has to die, and it's fine with you. You know it has to happen, that you can't stop it. But when it actually happens to someone close to you or someone you know. Until they leave you. It's at that point you start questioning it. Asking why it had to happen to that person. If there was anything you could have done to stop it. Why is that? Why is it that you know that there are people all over the world but you think nothing of it. Of them. But as soon as it happens to someone you know you're way of thinking about death changes completely. It's that that you actually understand how "people" feel in films. How other people actually feel when it happens to them.

So I watched My Sister's Keeper again tonight. I was less confused by the time jumps the second time watching it. Too be fair though I was more awake. I think I might blame the lack of sleep to the fact that I kept getting confused. Lol.

So I had quite a good day at college. Didn't have to go to photography which is always good. Ended up only having lessons periods 1 & 2. Was quite a pointless day at college actually. I totally could have went home at break. Oh well, twas fun anyhow.

I went shopping with my mum. Was quite fun. I managed to get a dress and purse out of it. Yayy XD So now I just need to buy some new shoes and Sams birthday prezzie. It was her birthday a month ago. Lol. How nice am I?

So I have had a rather boring day so I can't think of anything else to write.

Will blog later.

xXx

It's become a habit, a way to start the day

Heyy

How is it that you can forget someone for so long that you don't even remember their voice, their smell and start to forget what they look like? How can you forget someone so close to you just to avoid the pain you get when you think about them? How can stumbling apon something to do with them bring back all that pain, bring back how much you miss them. How much you want to see them at that point in time and hug them. To remember them. Pictures don't help remember people. Memories do. But memories fade. When people are gone for so long you start to forget them. It becomes normal that you don't see them. You try and remember the good times with them, not the bad, but in turn you slowly start to forget the good times too. It's wierd how it ends up being part of your daily routine, not thinking about them, not remembering them, not honouring their memory. Not keeping it alive through you. Pictures don't help remember people. They just help you remember what they look like. Not who they are, or what you loved about them in the first place. They don't always help you remember the memories. It's wierd how you can bottle something up for so long that you soon start to forget about it. About the pain. About the person. It's only when you stumble across something that you realise what you have done. That you've forgotten about them. It's only when you stumble across something that you realise how ashamed of yourself you are for forgetting them. For managing to forget someone who affected your life for the better. Who was always there. It's weird how you can forget people you thought you'd never be able to live without.

So I watched yesterdays Dancing On Ice. Is it mean like I want people to screw up? It amuses me. Lol. So, there was some Irish guy that I remember. He's from Boyzone I think. Not too sure though. He's not too bad. He got a pretty good score too. I would love to be able to do something like that. You know, go onto a show like Dancing On Ice and actually learn how to do something. It would mean I would finally become good at something. It would be a great sense of achievement.

I found some documents today. They were about my granddad. His funeral programme, obituries from a few local papers. Letters he'd written to my mum. A letter she wrote to him. Pictures my brothers and I drew for him. It's weird seeing all of that again. It's weird thinking of him again. Even though we have pictures of him around the house, I don't really pay attention to them. I don't think of memories or him. It's only when I find things in writing about him that I remember him. It's then that I start to feel sad, and I wish I had let it all out 4 years ago. Instead of bottling it up and breaking at the smallest thing.

So I am now trying to write my CV. It's quite hard though. Especially when I have no idea what to actually put in or take out of it. I wish that I had an on button in my head that would just make it work coz it sure as hell ain't working now. I need to finish the CV if I want a job. And I want a job so it means inishing the CV. Not much fun there aye. So that's all for today y'all.

Will blog later

xXx